One chilly Saturday morning in early April, I ran into my brother-in-law at our small-town post office. He and his family live in town, just a short walk out beyond our backyard, and down the hill toward the mountain.
He asked if one of our teenage boys had been messing around in the night, with his friends, perhaps?
My mind quickly flashed to the memory of the police car that had pulled into our driveway the night before. But the officer had actually been looking for the duplex two doors down. He was checking into a complaint about noise, but I knew it couldn’t be our house.
A few kids had just arrived for a sleepover, and they weren’t loud. I was still hovering to see what they needed.
But then I’d gone to bed.
The House Rule on Peanut Butter
Why? I asked my brother-in-law.
In the morning, he had found his truck handles covered in peanut butter.
Back at home, I reported to my husband. We hatched a plan.
Later, we asked our 14-year-old if he knew why we had both organic peanut butter and less-expensive, regular peanut butter. The organic for eating and the other for — well…?
His face instantly cracked into a smile.
Busted.
It was our way to send a few important messages: People are keeping an eye on you, a little peanut butter on your uncle’s truck isn’t a big deal, and we can share a laugh about it.
So we added to our rules list: If you’re going to prank your uncle, use the cheap peanut butter.
House Rule: Don’t Burn the House Down
For the record: I am not their mom. They have a mom and she loves them very much.
And these are my kids. All these things are true.
Their dad and I had fallen head-over-heels in love in our early 40s, so I loved these kids before I met them.
When I arrived in this family, the boys were already teenagers, 15 and 13, already well-behaved young men and they knew what their dad expected of them. They lived with their dad half the time and I moved into their house.
There was no rules list, no guide-book. I tiptoed for a long time. We all had to figure it out.
One day their dad and I left to take a walk and just naturally said something like: We’ll be back in an hour. Don’t burn the house down.
And I chimed in: And don’t hurt yourself — or your brother.
Later, we added the bit about which peanut butter to use when you want to prank your uncle. Then, after ribbing about the big pocketbook I carry and the number of lost items that had turned up in it, we added to the list: If you lose anything, look in Lisa’s pocketbook.
Looking back, that rules list was kind of my way to establish my role as someone new in their lives and home. As a second adult and parental figure I could make rules.
And they could be funny ones because these kids already had a great base and, if anything, they just needed an occasional friendly, funny reminder of what was expected of them.
Your Heart Walking Around Outside Your Body
Somewhere in there, I became a parent.
They were growing up so fast and the world is so big and dangerous.
I remember telling a friend how scary it was when they went out the door, especially as they started driving.
That friend was not yet a parent. She said she’d heard it described that it’s like your heart is walking around all day outside your body.
Exactly.
I mean, driving.
I overheard a dad at a baseball game say to his son: Don’t do anything stupid, and you’re old enough by now to know what that means.
That went on the list with the not hurting anyone, or our home, the pocketbook and the peanut butter.
House Rule: Watch out for Stupid
The morning my older stepson went to college, I had about 25 different things I wanted to say to him.
I picked the most important one. I told him he had a good head on his shoulders and made good decisions. All true. And sometimes it’s really easy to get caught up in the bad decisions of other people. Also true.
So — Watch out for the stupid things other people do.Onto the rules list.
As my younger stepson began to drive, and his senior year of high school was upon him with college soon to come, we retired the rules list into one simple, number one rule.
Come home safe.
Because kids are going to take risks. Most of us can remember times when we were the ones doing stupid things, or taking so many risks at once that we somehow survived by the grace of God.
Sometimes you find yourself well beyond your limits. There was the night I accidentally drank too much and could barely walk, supporting myself against a brick building as I made my way toward Boston’s Kenmore Square. And that night in Maine when four-wheeling on the beach in the pickup truck I’d just bought seemed like a great idea. So did the idea of a friend trying to stand up in the bed of the pickup as we zipped down the road.
All, gratefully, turned out OK.
We all know those things don’t always turn out OK, that terrible, life-ending things that happen. I do not know why some people survive those dangerous moments and others do not.
I don’t know why sometimes you can do everything “right,” the best you can, everything you can think of and it’s not enough and they can’t get home.
Come Home Safe
If you find yourself in a bad situation, just focus on survival. Just get home.
If you ever get to a point where it all seems impossibly broken and you don’t know where to start.
Come home safe. Everything else can be worked out.
If ever you are worried about being shamed or judged or yelled at, don’t. Just get home. We will listen with love. No matter what, we will fall to our knees and be grateful you are alive.
Come home safe.
There is always time to make things right.
Keep Them Safe, Please
As I write in the early morning, I am far from home, in a hotel room. I’ve spent the last couple of days with a very sick family member. I’m worn out and weary.
My husband and older stepson are on their way, driving a long distance. We are here to see my younger stepson play baseball as a college freshman.
I try not to worry about all that could happen on the highway, as I try not to worry every time they drive away.
The boys are all grown up now. Fine men.
Our oldest graduates college this year and has a great job lined up.
Sure, there were probably more peanut butter incidents and other things I don’t know about. We’re not naïve.
Just because we live in a sweet little antique town, full of beauty, family and love, we know there are plenty of dangers, and lots of pain.
Life has already thrown them curve balls and there will surely be more.
They are good and solid, well-prepared. They are absolutely the most amazing men you could ever meet.
I know, I gush.
And they never really needed my rules. All along those rules were probably just for me.
Occasionally, I will remind each one of Rule #1. I know, he’ll say.
As I stand at the window and watch them drive away, it’s my prayer. Please bring them home safe.
Then I can let go and move on with my day.
