How to celebrate my stepson’s wedding with my lifelong family and friends? We created a “bonus” event  — then had even more happy news to share.

As I hand-addressed invitations to a party for their upcoming wedding, my younger stepson and his fiancée called from Pennsylvania with some big news. I was in Cleveland, visiting my mom and stepdad. My husband, who was home with the couple, put the call on speaker. Listening closely, I noticed a grainy grey image of a sonogram arrive on the screen of my laptop.

Then our kids shared their happy news.

Feeling a rush of pure joy, I announced loud and proud, so my mom and stepdad could hear in the next room:

“We’re having a baby!”

My heart pogo-bouncing in my chest, I congratulated the new parents, both teachers who are fantastic with kids. A year into our lives as grandparents, my husband and I know this bliss.

Then my stepson, the baseball player and peanut butter prankster, relayed that the due date was only 12 weeks away. My mind began to absorb what it saw in the picture: A perfect, tiny baby shape. A fully formed head with a clear profile, inward curve of the baby’s eyes, a nose, lips and chin.

Their first child, our second grandchild, arriving very soon. Any day now, as I write.

Surprise!

She had felt fine, with no symptoms, so was almost as surprised as we were in that moment. In the coming weeks, our family digested the news, shook off the shock and plunged into preparation mode to help these two get ready for a baby and wedding already planned for this summer. Thanks to an upcoming event we’d created for my older stepson’s wedding, I would get to share this joy with people I’ve known my whole life. Out went the invitations to the Bonus Party.

Weddings are Tricky Territory for Step-Parents

“Bonus” parent is what some people call stepparents, a much kinder term and image than Disney ever gave us stepmothers. So when we created an event to celebrate a family milestone with my family-of-origin in Cleveland, I named it “bonus.”

The idea hatched as my older stepson drove his fiancée and me to a family camping trip soon after they got engaged. He had proposed to our daughter-in-law, his high school sweetheart on a summer night at the beach, dropping to one knee in the warm light of the boardwalk as his brother tossed him the ring box. The neon sky-blue of the Ferris wheel rose in the distance. His fiancée was already part of our family, so we were thrilled, eager to share the news and celebrate.

On our drive, my stepson said they were working on the guest list for the wedding and posed a tricky question: Who should they invite from my “branch,” my extended family and friends? You know, all those people with whom I’ve celebrated life’s milestones. He knew my mom and step-dad, so they were already on the guest list. My dad had died more than five years earlier.

But what about my aunts and uncles and friends? He knew a few, but not all of them. Weddings and step-parents can quickly lead to tension and conflict, not to mention the question of celebrating with a step-parent’s family.

I felt honored that he asked, but it raised a thorny problem. It wasn’t right to invite only some of my aunts and uncles. It would need to be all or none of them, and the names would quickly add up. I could not imagine requesting that. Entitlement on my part would only add to friction.

Nor did I think it was right to expect a bride and groom to get acquainted with new people for the first time at their wedding, especially if you, like me, swoon at the idea of your people forming rich connections with each other. Instead, these conversations would be a blur.

Still — this was a big, happy milestone I wanted to celebrate with my tribe, my family-of-origin and my friends. What to do?

A Little History

Quick background: My stepsons were teenagers when their dad and I fell in love 12 years ago. (Read You Had Me at Pears.) From our first conversation, my husband’s exceptional fathering, his willingness to sacrifice for his boys, has been one of the things I love most about him. Partners who already have children are a package deal, so I married all three of them.

My role, I soon realized, was to unconditionally love these two boys — no strings attached, except that they be polite. Even respect is earned.

Often easy. Occasionally hard. I’m not a saint.

But I can easily slip into the kids’ shoes, and know this tricky territory. I grew up a child of divorce and was four when my own father re-married. “Family of origin,” after all, begins with our parents. I am aware that I will always in some way be an intruder.

For the record, they have a mom who loves them very much. I also consider them to be our kids. I’m not enamored of the “step” label, but it is accurate and an important word. “My” stepsons. “Our” kids.

“Step,” I realized, means to “step up.” Another way to say “I choose you,” and you are a part of me, even if it’s not biologically speaking.

In the context of a wedding, though, I’ve come to believe “step” means “step back.” This day has to be all about them.

Fancy Pizza, Wine, Twinkly Lights — and Snow

So back to that talk about the guest list: Only my mom and step-dad should be invited, I told my elder stepson, then had an idea.

“What if dad and I hosted a special dinner for you both in Cleveland with my family?”

They liked it — and our “bonus dinner” with my tribe was born. I called my aunts and uncles to explain the plan. They were gracious and understanding.

So in January 2020, my husband and I hosted a big family dinner at a newly opened swanky winery and restaurant southeast of Cleveland, with my relatives, our immediate family, including of course my stepson and his fiancée.

We reserved a big Air BnB house for the weekend in the sweet little town of Peninsula for 10 of us, who traveled from Pennsylvania.

Despite several inches of snow falling that early January evening, our guests came out to celebrate. My aunt, not a big fan of traveling, came from New York. My uncle re-arranged travel plans to attend. People I love so much, who hardly see each other due to geography and circumstances, got to know each other a little better over fancy pizza, salad and wine in a private dining room. The bride-to-be and groom had fun, exploring the winery and practicing their dramatic dip for their upcoming wedding. (Four months later, my handsome stepson dipped his beautiful new bride as they left for their honeymoon, surrounded by guests holding sparklers. A gorgeous image.)

I soared on the connection among loved ones that winter night. The Bonus party turned out to be a big success.

Gathering Around the Fire

Soon after my younger stepson and his girlfriend got engaged last summer, my husband and I offered a “Bonus” celebration with my family in Cleveland.

They happily accepted, and my inner party-planner flew out of the gate. We are thrilled to officially welcome this lovely, kind young woman — and grandchild — into our family, sharing the excitement of this chapter as our kids make their own families.

The winery did not seem right for this outdoors-y couple. My mom suggested a lodge in the Cleveland Metroparks, a vast network of woods and trails and picnic spots, and our bride and groom liked the idea.

We gathered all the party gear and packed for Cleveland. We would miss my mom and stepdad, who was in the hospital following a surgery, and a few cherished out-of-town relatives.

Our guests, including the bride’s parents, arrived to a roaring fire, a spread of sausage and pepper sandwiches and potato salad, and tables dressed with ivory cloths and yellow tulips.

People talked and joked and laughed and got to know each other a little better. We took lots of pictures in front of the stone fireplace and had fun chasing our one-year-old grandson around. My best friend from high school came with her whole family, and we sang to mark the milestone of her son’s 21^stbirthday.

More to Celebrate

Another festive, successful Bonus event. We laughed together over ideas for baseball- and funny aunt-inspired baby names, ate strawberry shortcake and the cutest cookies decorated to look like little baby onesies with green and yellow stripes. I was in heaven, so grateful for the connection-rich time with loved ones.

A unique family gathering, as it should be because every family has its own story. Ours might just evolve to find new excuses to host more Bonus events.

Bonus parenting comes with a couple of simple rules — deeply love those kids with all of your heart and commit to figuring it out together, over time. The precious gift worthy of celebration is a chance to help remake family, build function and help hearts to heal. Especially your own.

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